"Mama, I want to be a genetic engineer when I grow up.

I want to make a new species.

I can give you Mum the genes of a daffodil

so you can die every winter

and come back every spring again.

That way you can never die.

You’ll live forever.”

Sofie and I were walking fast down the Falcon Rd in Battersea, West London while searching for a place where we could eat something quickly as we had only half an hour before her ballet lesson. Sofie’s mind was already set on pasta Bolognese: as usual, I didn’t mind as anything would do for me. We were hungry and a bit tired after a busy morning at our house and then going on to spend an hour while driving from South East London down here.

Looking attentively around and trying to locate anything which would suit us, I thought to myself, “Gosh, the requirements for getting a simple place to sit down to eat, are hard to satisfy especially when you’ve got a specific request and very little time. Definitely, a cafe where they serve food quickly would be the best, I thought, it has to have pasta though… I quickly added as I smiled to myself.”

We passed a local pub on the corner, followed by the proceeding line of shops such as Tesco local, Greg, Fish & Kebabs, chemist, cheap International calls, Balti Kitchen. There were people on the street passing us by as we walked as they kept on moving without having time to stop.

“Hurry up Sofie, we need to be back very soon.”

“Mama, why do you always keep rushing us like this?” Sofie cried back.

“Sofie we have a busy life” I explained, “Also, I want you to have an interesting life”.

I’m this kind of mother who would drive her own daughter through the whole London just so she can participate in the best ballet lessons in town.

“I want pasta” Sofie said impassively, pouting.

“Hunny, we can try but if we don’t see any place with pasta in the next 5 minutes, we will have to eat what is available, all right?”

While I spoke, my daughter could listen to the first sign of frustration in my voice.

“You said we’d have pasta in the car! You said it yourself”. Sofie shouted as I was feeling already guilty. I did not like her being upset.

“Yes, I did, didn’t I? Only if we manage to find something quickly.”

Being a child, my daughter didn’t care about privilege of having extra exciting life in one of the most extraordinary cities in the world. She was hungry and tired and would love to sit down with a hot cup of chocolate and pasta bolognese.

We walked another couple of minutes. During the walk, I almost lost my hope and started thinking how I was going to explain it to her while dealing with a sudden stroke of guilt flooding my brain.

“I screwed this up again”, I said to myself, “I shouldn’t have promised it.”

But then I turned my head and there it was – All’s place; a cafe with the picture of a big smoking pasta plate spread across the large window. Sometimes, things just fix themselves, I smiled broadly as the final realisation hit me. That meant we would have lunch and be in Miss Semenova’s class right on time.

We walked into Alls’ place and it was almost empty. It was a weird feeling as I thought it was lunch time; after all, I would expect it to be packed at about 11.45am. The lady with a proficient smiley face took our orders straight away, happy that we knew exactly what we wanted. We sat next to the window to have a view on the street and I began to feel suddenly quite happy.

“How are you doing, hunny? Are you tired of driving?”

“Not really” she said to my relief. “I actually quite like it.”

I knew it was often difficult for her but she never really complained about anything.

“I like going to that school a lot and I like spending this time with you in the car actually. She said as she look out the window.

“Really?!” I was almost grateful to her.

We had been enjoying the moment so much. It’s actually quite rare that we could sit and talk without being interrupted. I often felt guilty for not listening to her more carefully when I needed to do a few things at the same time.

While we shared the beautiful moment, Sofie cried out suddenly, “Where is my bracelet? I lost it, mum I lost it!”

“What bracelet Sofie?” I inquired, my face looking worried.

“The one I got from Jessica! I’ve never taken it off and I remember it was on my wrist when we were driving.”

“Oh, I have no idea what happened”, I said. “Do you think you could’ve dropped it on our way here?”

I could see her chin starting to crackle and in no time, she was crying her eyes out. “Sofie, I’m so sorry, I don’t know what happened to your precious bracelet, but never mind, it’s only a bracelet and it was just plastic ring, wasn’t it?”

“But I got it from Jessica”, she said, weirdly surprised by my insensitivity, “and I have been putting it on since two weeks ago when she give it to me. Forever! Mom. I said I’ll be wearing it always and I don’t want to lose it!!”.

At that point, I began to feel sorry that I had called it a plastic ring. I really regretted saying it. I was starting to get the feeling that our lunch was not going to be peaceful after all when our eyes latched on to a small boy walking down the street. He was about 8 year old, cheeky smile on his freckled, pale face. His curly black hair was being blown backwards by a little wind and he was jumping up and down while walking down the pavement and juggling something in his hand. As he passed by cafe’s window, we continued to stare at him, or more precisely at the thing he was bouncing in his hands up and down.

“It’s my bracelet!” Sofie cried loudly and before I knew it, she jumped out of her sit, ran outside and yelled towards the boy “give me my bracelet back!”

Sofie ran with the speed of light. For a girl who is usually daydreaming, she was very quick and sporty, any onlooker would agree. I tried to catch up with her, shouting at top of my lungs. “Soffieee stop please! Stop! Sofie what are you doing?” The boy started laughing and ran away from her as quickly as he could. Sofie, on the other hand, had almost reached him when he suddenly turned to the right and started running down a small street towards the garden wall at the street end.

He stopped; stopping Sofie as well in her stride. I caught up with them, completely out of my breath.

“Give me my bracelet back!” Sofie shouted angrily as she stretched her hands towards him, “it’s from Jess!” she continued.

“What do you mean? It’s my bracelet and I’m not giving it to anybody!!!”

”If you don’t give me my bracelet I’m going to take it myself”, Sofie said as her face grew angrier.

I never expected my daughter to be so determined, and feisty.

“Sofie what are you doing, maybe it’s not your bracelet you don’t know it’s yours”, I’ve tried to intervene. “It’s not possible anyway. I don’t know what happened to it, but let’s go back to the cafe”.

“Mama, why you’re not on my side?” Sofie said in a disappointed tone.

“Hunny, I’m always on your side but you can’t take something from that boy if you not sure it’s even yours.”

“I’m sorry”, I said to the boy, “my daughter thought your bracelet was her bracelet. She had exactly the same one and she had just lost it”.

He laughed cheekily and didn’t reply, bouncing the bracelet up and down. Gosh, it was very annoying but I tried to call to my higher feelings and ignored it.

“It was nice meeting you” I said instead, “Is your mum anywhere around?”

He shook his head and pointed to the garden behind the wall.

“Ahh. that’s where you live.” I took Sofie under my arm we started to walk back.

“Mum, if it was his bracelet don’t you think it was weird he had just started running straight away like that”, she pointed out.

“All right, maybe it was a bit unusual but you know, he probably got scared, you shouted at him and he just ran”.

“He definitely didn’t look scared!” She sneered. Nevertheless we both turned our heads to look at the boy again and the street was completely empty.

”Where is he,” I asked. “Is he gone to the garden? That’s weird because I don’t see any gate.

Maybe he’s truly a ghost!” Sofie had offered.

“Don’t be silly, my love. He’s not a ghost”, but somehow, I started to worry about him. Why was he wandering through the streets on his own like that.

“Let’s have a look through the wall mum!”

“Ok let’s do it”. I agreed without any resistance.

We tried to find a convenient place to climb the wall so we could peek inside. Instead, we found a small metal gate on the left hand side, hidden beneath the climber. When I pushed it gently, it opened and even though I knew that it’s not a good idea to get into someone’s garden uninvited, at that point, I didn’t care and my brain was a bit blurry. I had a strange feeling that something is not right in this whole situation. We walked into an ordinary town garden, quite big according to London’s standard. There, we saw an old, small frame man playing with a tiny dog, sitting on the nice curved bench. He looked at us and smiled.

“O dear god, how I got into this” I thought. He’s going to call the police and with my eyes I visualized a headline in a local newspapers reading, ‘Crazy mom invades people’s garden in a search of a plastic bracelet’. It was too late now to just disappear so I said “Hello, I’m sorry to walk into your garden, but we had just seen a small boy and we were worried about him.”

“Why would you worry about him?” He asked.

“He was wandering through the streets on his own”, I replied. “We just wanted to make sure he’s alright and that’s all. Is he your grandson perhaps?”

“Does making sure someone is alright include walking into someone’s garden?”, he laughed as he inquired.

My blood froze, but he continued talking.

“Time is passing by so quickly like the blink of an eye.

He is so small I’ve noticed.

“Now all has changed’, said the man. “Why were you chasing him”? He suddenly inquired.

I could feel my face burning. “We weren’t really chasing him. My daughter thought he had something she had lost, so she got running after him.”

“I see. I’ve done that once myself. I wanted to have things and I was running to get them, I lost something more important; my own memories with my family I haven’t really made. The memories I lost”, he said sadly. “But I got lucky again my memories now can grow again and again”.

He looked so old as he spoke. I know it’s not possible but I could almost swear he got older while we were talking.

We heard a cracking noise from the other side and immediately turned our heads and saw a little boy standing there.

“Hi again” the boy said.

“Are you alright? We were worried about you”, I offered, hesitantly. “Is your mum staying here? And is that your granddad?” I turned my head but the old man wasn’t there. Instead, the little doggy ran and jumped at the boy.

“Of course I’m fine”, he said, “It’s my home. I’m catching my memories”, he laughed as he patted the dog.

“Were you really worried about me? Or is that what you wanted?” he said as he begun to bounce the bracelet in his hands again.

“I don’t want your bracelet anymore. It’s just a stupid plastic anyway.” Sofie said suddenly. “You can keep it. I don’t think Jess would mind if I have it or not and by the way I was also worried about you even though I don’t know you that much.”

“Really?” he seemed to be happy to hear that someone cared about him. “Can you visit me for a while again?” He asked in an enthusiastic tone.

“Mum, can we stop for a minute next time we are at ballet?” She asked.

“We’ll try” I said unsure.

“Never forget, the most important thing is the time you spent with people you like”, said the boy. “Now I have to go and you go as well”.

We turned, towards the gate and as we walked through the street once again, we looked one more time at our new friend. He was standing on the wall of his garden smiling but he was much bigger now, looked like a teenager.

As we returned to the café, our food was already on the table. Then we went on to have a great time talking to each other. Even then I haven’t slip my eye from the watch. When the time was up we had to run again.

“We’re late” I smiled as I checked my watch and beckoned to the waitress. Sofie tripped on the corner of the street. We looked and there it was – Sofie’s bracelet.

We ran as quickly as our legs could carry us. Rushing through the reception to the girls’ changing room, Sofie put on her ballet clothes with a sickening speed as I helped to tie her hair in a clumsy ponytail.

“I don’t want to be late” she cried, “Miss Semenova is going to be cross.”

“Just hurry up Darling.”

She grabbed a bottle of water from my hands and jumped towards the stairs. Then, she rushed upstairs with the gait of a unicorn, straight into the Nureyev studio. Miss Semenova looked at her sternly as she surveyed her clothing. As she wanted to say something, her mouth opened but instead, she decided to take a look at the watch to confirm if her course of action would be right. It was exactly the time that her class was stated to start. She looked again at Sofie and said, loudly.

“Ballet bun girls from next week on… only…! Now let’s start with a warm up.”

It was the seventh night Abby was doing the same ritual. She sneaked out of the palace just before midnight to come back in the early morning.

“We have to try it Abby,” Solveig said to her the other day. “We don’t have a choice.” she added. “I know, Solveigh, but what if we get caught?” In Abby’s voice her friend could feel the uncertainty. “We must not get caught Abby, we must do anything to make it work! It’s our only chance.” Abby knew that very well too. “How about Jarodath?” she said, “You know he would never allow it!” Abby wasn’t sure if that was the right way to do it any way. She was always very brave, but at the same time she was so sincere she wanted to do what was always right. Even the thought she was going to do something behind Jarodath and everyone else’s back made her feel uneasy. Especially that she had always admired Jarodath for his strength and wisdom. He was like a teacher to her, like a father almost. She had known him since she remembered. She always felt she could count on him and now she was going to deceive him.

“We must keep it from him above all!” Solveigh had tried to be confident. However, also scared and confused, her warrior instinct was almost freezing her feelings. She was working like a robot in difficult times with precision and clear mind. This was making her similar with Jarodath even though they both would never admit it. It was very good to have Solveigh on your side, Abby always thought, especially if everything around seems to be tumbling down. Solveig on the other hand knew exactly how difficult Jarodath would be with it all, she was absolutely sure they must keep this secret. She liked him a lot and respected him for what he taught them, but sometimes, deep down, thought about him as rude and stubborn man.

Finally both girls had agreed there is no other way than follow this weird game to which they were framed completely by chance. They will probably always remember that one festival night at the village when it all started. It wasn’t entirely their fault. They’ve got into this mess by that one small weird man.

Jarodath didn’t have the slightest idea about the latest events in the village. He wasn’t there when the girls went to the night festival. After lots of fun, jumping over the flames of bonfires and floating wreaths of flowers with lit candles onto river Mere and the Lake, they were ready to go to the forest to search for fern flower. It’s the only time of the year when ferns bloom, Abby though. That was her favorite part of the festival. Going in the middle of the night to the forest in the hope to find this beautiful, modest flower to bring to the finder prosperity, luck, happiness and power, was the girls highlight of the whole celebration. Beautiful fairy tale, Abby always thought, it was bringing her a lot of thrills even though she didn’t believe in any of it.

The girls were still sitting by the Lake, getting ready to go. Most people already had gone, there were only few here and there bustling around the fires. Suddenly the girls had noticed a weird small, bearded man sitting next to them by the lake.

“Great night” he said, “cloudless sky, full of stars, the shortest night of the year. The same night you were born Abby, exactly the same.” They both looked at him surprised. “Do you know me? Of course not,” Abby laughed, “I wasn’t born that night, I was born in different time of the year.” He only muttered “yes, right” and started talking about Abby’s family and palace, strange stories, old stories. That was very bizarre how this old man knew about it all, but then maybe he was working for my parents long time ago, she thought.

This insidious man make them promise to give him one of Abby’s mother necklace. The ugliest of all the gorgeous ones Abby’s mum had, Abby thought surprised. Girls didn’t know why they agreed so recklessly to even speak to him in the first place. Maybe it was out of pity first. Then he was talking like he knows everybody here. It was probably what drew them to stop and have conversation with him. They left later thinking about him as small, a bit mad, harmless weirdo, they had promised what he wanted just to get rid of him. Solveigh was so shocked when, one day, weeks later she spotted him sitting in the palace park, looking like a statue.

Abby kept going through grim corridors. The first signs of relief appeared in her head, almost there. She was heading now towards the South room with four big stoves. She raised her head and saw burning fire. At the same time she spotted a dark shape in front of it. For a moment she hoped it will disappear in the air but it only got sharper. Standing still he moved his head at the sight of Abby. Cold breeze run through the tunnels or maybe just Abby felt this way. Two icy, blue eyes poked at her. “Where have you been?” He asked calmly. Abby froze, looking at him, feeling suddenly despair. “Jarodath, what are you doing here?”

It’s better you answer my question first! His voice was so cold and grave. Abby felt like crying. “It’s not what you think”, Abby said quietly, “we didn’t have a choice”. “What do you mean it’s not what i think? What have you done you two silly girls! Why have you gone there? Haven’t you got what I said to you two?” Abby had feld the tears coming to her eyes. Her throat was dry. “You don’t understand we had to do it. It was to protect…” “Protect!… Protect who??” Silence had lasted for a few second. “you…” For a split second, Jarodath had remained silent then he laughed. He’s laugh was not cheerful or happy but sounded more ominous.

to be continued…

Abby has arrived at dawn. She slid soundlessly through the palace’s rear gate at the back of east site of the palace. She had brought Lada to the stable first. She pulled his saddle out, she wiped her horse’s shiny hair and quickly cleared his hooves. She tried her best to erase all of the traces of the night ride. Everything so far goes well, she thought, deep down very pleased with herself. She had managed to plan her night-time escapades to the perfection. During the day she was acting completely normally and it was quite tricky to do it all day long. No one had recognised what was going on. Even her younger sister, rather nosy creature, had remained oblivious. Not to mention her two naughty brothers. It gave her some sort of satisfaction that she can deceive even her siblings, after all they were quite close, constantly watching one another. Nevertheless, she never stopped to be vigilant. She kept all the precautions to the end as she had planned. Empty and quiet everywhere around. She kept to her plan with finest accuracy. Everyone was still sleeping. Nobody seemed to notice her absence. It was a little victory to her that her nights out would remain undetected by anyone.

She patted Lada’s muzzle and hugged her head for a second. “Thanks again” she said shortly and slipped out of the stables soundlessly. Now just through the courtyard, into the garden, through the park and straight down the stairs to the west wing of the palace. Abby knew that this entrance was mainly used by the furnace service, so she should not come across anyone uninvited at this time. She was moving quickly and noiselessly, accordingly to her plan. She was doing it masterly, no twig had cracked, no stone fired from under her legs, no grass had rustled. She spent hours practising this root undiscovered, like everything she was doing she brought it to pure perfection.

Abby had passed last big trees leaving park behind. She already could see the dark shape of the stairs in the twilight. Last quick run through the open space, the most dangerous bit, and she was safe again. She had reached the basement door. Pull out the hairpin from her hair and had turn the lock in the door. Easy! She was inside and closed the door quietly. It was dark, but her pupils in a split second widened and all familiar shapes took on the outline. Now through the boiler rooms, a few gloomy, long corridors, west stairs and I’m in my room. She wished to throw herself on her bed. Her whole body was hurting from falling and couple hits during tonight’s crazy ride. Her eyes were burning from the lack of sleep and she dreamed of a cup of cold water.

to be continued…

“Sofie is Wicked scary?”
“No, not really Sasha, but it is a bit emotional.”
“What does emotional mean?”
“It’s when you don’t know what you feel but you’re still feeling it.”

Being a stay-at-home mum was quite a new experience for me. I thought I was super busy previously but what awaited me was beyond my wildest expectations. For many years when I’ve been working, I’ve managed to avoid a lot of morning dramas by leaving to work very early. It was quite horrible getting up at 5 o’clock in the morning, but that meant much more peaceful time, sitting with my coffee in the office while Dark D was trying to battle through all the challenges before going to his work. Getting two, adorable, but not very cooperative, children ready for school was my idea of hell.

There was lots of crying, screaming, shouting and there was me stressed out, nervous, with the watch in my hand. The mornings in our house were definitely emotional, I thought. How I’ve become so stressed out and strict, I’ve wondered. My work plans of starting my own business, seemed to be a distant memory when every-day tasks were taking my whole days.

EMOTIONAL (of a person) having feelings that are easily excited and openly displayed.

Richard St John in his TED talk about the secret of success is talking about 8 things leading to it. First is passion. The most successful people started doing their work for love rather than money with big passion. Some of them said they would have paid someone to be able to do what they are doing. There is something really profound in that statement, I thought, as lack of passion in my previous position was driving me crazy in the end. Also when you’re looking after your kids passion towards work is suddenly a big luxury.

I’ve indulged in my thoughts about passion, creativity and focus standing in my bathroom, trying to brush my teeth, enjoying my 3 minutes time on my own, while kids were finishing their breakfast. I was going through the need of being good at something by constantly working on it. I’ve heard from downstairs:

“Mum! Sasha’s put peanut shells in my water!!”
“Sash!” I shouted rather loudly unwillingly abandoning my thoughts. He had rushed pretty quickly and sat on the steps.
“Mum… you don’t have to tell me off! I’m already sitting on the naughty step.”

“And push! David Gallo says, “Push yourself. Physically, mentally, you’ve got to push, push, push.” You’ve got to push through shyness and self-doubt.”
“Now it’s not always easy to push yourself, and that’s why they invented mothers.”
“Frank Gehry said to me, “My mother pushed me.”

For me pushing was starting in the morning when I was trying to deliver my own kids on time to school and was finishing in the late evening where I was trying to push them to bed. Dark D was helping wherever he could, but with a full time job he could only do so much. I’m a mum of two very smart, creative creatures. Despite their beauty and infinite advantages, my daughter is also quite an introvert who loves reading and thinking a lot. Her mind for sure is capable of a higher spiritual realm as well as highly intelligent investigation of all sort of problems, preferably scientific but it also means it’s mostly not on Earth and our present reality at all. My son, very creative, would love to spend the whole day indulging in a play but preferably in his own home with me involved in it all the time.

“Sasha can you eat your breakfast my love?” “Mum… why do you always have to give me so many chores???” “Yeah that’s a big one” I said. “Sofie please hurry up.” “Sofie why are you sitting with the book on the stairs when you were supposed to brush your teeth 15 min ago!” “Sofie you’re standing with your shoe and not putting it on!!” “Sofie is it you playing piano upstairs when we should be on our way?” “What is that big bag Sash?” “Ahh just packed some of my toys to take to school…”

Mothers who left their work to do something different have two full time jobs on their laps. So they have to have more passion than anyone else, put even more hard work in to it, get better and better faster, push the hardest, themselves, the kids, the whole planet spinning. Most of all they have to become almost immune to a lot of crap from outside, but also they should have twice as much fun whenever they can, be selfish sometimes and steal every possible spare time whenever they can. How come so many of them succeed any way? I think it’s because, suddenly when you see how precious, unique it is to do something for a passion, you truly start to appreciate it.

Persist! Joe Kraus says, “Persistence is the number one reason for our success.” You’ve got to persist through failure. You’ve got to persist through crap! Which of course means “Criticism, Rejection, Assholes and Pressure.”

One evening when I was putting my son to bed I asked him “Sash shall I open the window to give you some fresh air?” Deep down I was hoping I can freeze him a bit so he could finally stop jumping and wriggling his body. As a matter of fact it was after a couple of hours of reading his books, watching his favourite dinosaurs’ cartoons and dealing with various night time routine tasks and discussions about very philosophical and not so much subjects. I could feel my eyes were just about to close sooner than his.

“No”, he decided, “no, because I will be horribly freezing and the wind is going through my atoms and small particles.” he added.
“Ohh… what? Where the wind is going through?” I asked, curiously.
“Atoms… it’s a tiny, tiny, really tiny, teeny material you know.”
“Is it?” I said. “I didn’t know, you know about atoms.” He was only 4.
“Everything is build with atoms, we have atoms too” he added with his very composed, mysterious voice.
“Of course atoms!” To my dismay I literally forgot that atoms exist.

In fact I’ve realised I haven’t thought about anything else but a hard reality, down to earth problems for a really long time. I’ve literally forgot that anything what it’s not my problem exists. Suddenly I’ve started to be so jealous about all the interesting staff I’m missing from my life.

I was always under the impression I did everything right as I should, always working hard, finish uni, find a job, have a family but in the end I was feeling burnt out. Why is that I was wondering. I did put a lot of effort to actually be where I was and my past wasn’t easy really but I end up feeling a bit surrendered.

I always wonder how much choice do we really get if it comes to make a decision about our future. Busy, running all the time, doing what we told or think is right is hardly impossible to know what to do. By the time we can make our own decisions and see things from bigger perspective we are very often tight with our various responsibilities and duties.

I’ve been living with a weird feeling of not enjoying what I’m doing, for a long while. First I’ve tried to ignore it but it only got worse. Next I’ve develop a sudden need for knowing more what else is around. I’ve went through millions blogs, books, articles and tips from the wise people. My research for “sense and meaning” didn’t want to stop. Just to say I’ve never really been very spiritual, religious or even philosophical before. I would say I was quite an opposite.

“What’s the point of doing our everyday tasks when they repeat every day anyway?” I asked Dark D one evening. “Yeah…” he reply, “I guess we have to focus what’s matter to us and ignore what’s not that important.” Good point, I thought, but what when 90 per cent of your time is fill with something you think is not important. That’s pretty much how I thought about my life that time. Slowly I become even more unhappy and the same repeatable routines every day were killing me. On the surface everything was right and my family was the lucky one. My husband having a relatively good job and me working in the television, combine together, we could afford a reasonably good, cosy live. Two beautiful children, nanny, house, in brief live a lot of people would be happy to have.

The only problem was, we were falling apart. Constantly tried, we practically ended up only working and nothing else. No hobbies, no going out, almost not spending time with friends, no discussion not even an evenings together as I was mostly falling asleep as soon as my bottom touched the sofa. It was either work, chores or looking after our adorable children. We barely had time to speak to each other, unless it regarded kids, work or house.

My job became so uninteresting and very often I started to think it truly sucked but yet I didn’t want to admit it to anyone purely because I was a very good job so I was scared to even say it aloud. The thought however didn’t want leave me in peace. After some time it dominated my brain daily and finally it was my first thought in the morning and last before collapsing to sleep. Where did I get so wrong with my life I was torturing myself with obsession worthy of a real sociopath.

“Mum the genetic evidence shows that the human who enter North America were the the same human which were found in the very south of South America”, I’ve heard from the next door room, from my little genius daughter who’ve been lately a huge fun of Dr Alice Roberts and her program The Incredible Human Journey.

“Sash you need to sleep now my love”, I said strongly “ give me a big kiss and have a colourful dreams”.
“Mom you’re my bestie and I love you”.
“I love you too my lovely but it’s still time to sleep now”
“Mum?” he didn’t give up easily.
“Sash it’s time to sleep now, please start to falling asleep!”

From the room next door came Sofie’s voice.
“Mummm! Can I have a mummy hug before I go to bed too?’
Sash shouted back before I manage to answer:
“Sooofffie! She’s feeling a little bit strict tonight!!”

Later that night Dark D find me downstairs, sitting on the sofa, looking very angry, which was quite normal view that time.
“What’s up?”
“Nothing” I said not too politely.
“Tell me?”
“I just so fucking hate my job”

Here I am. Sitting in the office of my dream job, as it once was. I’ve got 24h to revise my decision but how long would I not think, the outcome of it is quite apparent to me. Right now the only thing that matters is to get out of here for good. My mind is completely messed up with too much considering for and against.

Never mind I’m going to seriously miss so many things in here. Porridge and coffee in the canteen every morning for sure. A few chats with the same people every single day, the thrill of working for the news and definitely the excitement of new projects. The most of all though, obviously, my next desk friend Pi. We’d spent seven long years sitting next to each other. By the time of my departure I feel like we’re part of one union.

“Meat and fat is the only healthy thing you can eat really,” he said in a tone that brooked no argument, “especially when you’re trying to lose weight Sabin.” He was putting the whole cube of butter into his cup of coffee. “There is lots of science behind it”, he added very convincingly. “Err… Right, sounds very yummy” I murmured, busily trying to hide the horror on my face. “You should really try it man”, he said looking at me very seriously. “It can give you many benefits beyond the obvious – The big drop weight.” “Sure, of course. I’ll wait and see how it’s working on you”, I said quickly, thinking never in a million years I’ll try this. “I’ll see if you’re going to lose some weight and be still alive.” I added snorty. I much prefer the vegetarian diet he was on when I first meet him, I thought.

So that is it, that’s how I’m going to end it. I’ve sent the resignation letter, I had totally unpleasant conversation with my Boss and it is all done. My Boss seems to be totally surprised not to say shocked. I’ve got 24 hours to revise my decision wisely as what I’m loosing is apparently unique and I’m never, ever going to find another job as perfect as this one. “Difficult times in front of you,” he added very encouragingly with his sulky face. There is no really chance I’m going to change my mind but I’m pretending I will consider it. I’m totally surprised he actually looks as he really regrets me leaving even though last few months was like nightmare working there.

Let’s go and get some breakfast I’ve suggested. I always liked Pi’s ability to do everything one hundred percent with passion, even when that meant going from one extreme to the other. “Can I have four slices of bacon, two sausages with double cream on top, two eggs and butter?” he said at the counter. Pat, our lovely shopkeeper was looking at him incredulously. “Shall I add spoon of lard on top?” She asked calmly with still face. “Yes please! Make it two.”

“Are you trying to kill yourself of a heart attack? Asked GD, one of our friend, while passing by. “Have you heard about this man on Atkins diet who was found dead while still holding bacon in his hand?” We’ve all burst laughing. “At least he had perfect figure and lost a lot of weight!” “You can all laugh as much as you want meanwhile my perfect figure is being made in front of your eyes.” The memory of the cleansing diet quickly run through my brain. That included chewing garlic in the morning right next to me and drinking spirulina like a shot of vodka after every meal. There was also the “vitamin diet” when we were trying to race who is going to get more tablets in the morning.

When I returned from my second maternity leave about one year ago I was the only girl in the small team of interactive developers and designers. Pi and I were the developers. Together with three more designers and one art director we were making a team. My new Boss was completely clueless if it comes to programming and technology so very quickly I find myself in the weird situation where, to my surprise no one believe I can write code even though I was doing it for quite a few years there and it was perfect before. I’ve had countless great projects on my account.

I was feeling convincing him to my skills was like trying to bite off more than one can chew honestly. I would probably got away with being a girl coder if I was being surrounded by similar people like me, who can see what I can do. But working in creative department directly under creative individual was my idea of hell. For several months I find myself in the fumes of such great absurdity I’ve never experience in my entire life. Trauma of “creative meetings” is haunting me even today where no one knows what is the discussion about, no one understands each other but it can last for hours and in the end there is no conclusion.

“Is it normal?” I’ve asked Dark D “Am I overreacting? Do I not see clearly?” I was trying to reason some of this and seek some advice from him as well as my friends and other colleagues. Dark D who is a technical genius himself had a sharper look from outside. He didn’t have any doubts. He thought it was totally dysfunctional situation and I have to run away from there asap to stay sane. He did not need to tell me twice!

To my even bigger dismay I’ve learn quickly that I’m sharing almost the same story with many other women. Great and amazing people who I’m seeing every day at school drop offs, completely fantastic at work before but suddenly not good enough when they’ve returned after having a baby. They’re quitting their jobs very often not because they can’t work it out the child care but because their feeling of dissatisfaction in their previous position or how they are being treated at their work places. That, I must say convinced me the most. It’s not worth it anyone precious time and energy to stay in a bad, toxic environment.

On top of it all I was clearly displaying signs of becoming complacent, I haven’t seen anything new I can learn from my work anymore and the only challenge I had in my job, that time, was to be on time in the office every morning.

Funny though It didn’t make me feel like I can’t do what I’m doing or make me feel bad. Quite opposite it only convinced me I really like to do what gives me more satisfaction, joy and change my word at least. I want to be my own boss, I thought, it’s definitely time to leave as life is too short to be in this toxic environment so I did I’ve left for the office of one where there is no transparent walls and no glass ceilings no grumpy Bosses and and the only person who completely believes at me is myself.

“I’ve just quit, you know.” “What?” Pi have nearly choked on his sausage with cream and butter. He’s just returned from his long holiday in India feeling relaxed and happy and practically missed all the recent project dramas. “Are you serious man?” “Yeah…, definitely serious man. I know it’s unexpected but it’s time to make some changes.”
“Fuck! Sabin!!”, “I know Pi”.

Bored, burnt out, discouraged. The time you had lost a joy and passion towards your work means is truly over, nothing can be fixed, time to move on and you know what, that is the best thing about it.