Should I stay or should i go?

Here I am. Sitting in the office of my dream job, as it once was. I’ve got 24h to revise my decision but how long would I not think, the outcome of it is quite apparent to me. Right now the only thing that matters is to get out of here for good. My mind is completely messed up with too much considering for and against.

Never mind I’m going to seriously miss so many things in here. Porridge and coffee in the canteen every morning for sure. A few chats with the same people every single day, the thrill of working for the news and definitely the excitement of new projects. The most of all though, obviously, my next desk friend Pi. We’d spent seven long years sitting next to each other. By the time of my departure I feel like we’re part of one union.

“Meat and fat is the only healthy thing you can eat really,” he said in a tone that brooked no argument, “especially when you’re trying to lose weight Sabin.” He was putting the whole cube of butter into his cup of coffee. “There is lots of science behind it”, he added very convincingly. “Err… Right, sounds very yummy” I murmured, busily trying to hide the horror on my face. “You should really try it man”, he said looking at me very seriously. “It can give you many benefits beyond the obvious – The big drop weight.” “Sure, of course. I’ll wait and see how it’s working on you”, I said quickly, thinking never in a million years I’ll try this. “I’ll see if you’re going to lose some weight and be still alive.” I added snorty. I much prefer the vegetarian diet he was on when I first meet him, I thought.

So that is it, that’s how I’m going to end it. I’ve sent the resignation letter, I had totally unpleasant conversation with my Boss and it is all done. My Boss seems to be totally surprised not to say shocked. I’ve got 24 hours to revise my decision wisely as what I’m loosing is apparently unique and I’m never, ever going to find another job as perfect as this one. “Difficult times in front of you,” he added very encouragingly with his sulky face. There is no really chance I’m going to change my mind but I’m pretending I will consider it. I’m totally surprised he actually looks as he really regrets me leaving even though last few months was like nightmare working there.

Let’s go and get some breakfast I’ve suggested. I always liked Pi’s ability to do everything one hundred percent with passion, even when that meant going from one extreme to the other. “Can I have four slices of bacon, two sausages with double cream on top, two eggs and butter?” he said at the counter. Pat, our lovely shopkeeper was looking at him incredulously. “Shall I add spoon of lard on top?” She asked calmly with still face. “Yes please! Make it two.”

“Are you trying to kill yourself of a heart attack? Asked GD, one of our friend, while passing by. “Have you heard about this man on Atkins diet who was found dead while still holding bacon in his hand?” We’ve all burst laughing. “At least he had perfect figure and lost a lot of weight!” “You can all laugh as much as you want meanwhile my perfect figure is being made in front of your eyes.” The memory of the cleansing diet quickly run through my brain. That included chewing garlic in the morning right next to me and drinking spirulina like a shot of vodka after every meal. There was also the “vitamin diet” when we were trying to race who is going to get more tablets in the morning.

When I returned from my second maternity leave about one year ago I was the only girl in the small team of interactive developers and designers. Pi and I were the developers. Together with three more designers and one art director we were making a team. My new Boss was completely clueless if it comes to programming and technology so very quickly I find myself in the weird situation where, to my surprise no one believe I can write code even though I was doing it for quite a few years there and it was perfect before. I’ve had countless great projects on my account.

I was feeling convincing him to my skills was like trying to bite off more than one can chew honestly. I would probably got away with being a girl coder if I was being surrounded by similar people like me, who can see what I can do. But working in creative department directly under creative individual was my idea of hell. For several months I find myself in the fumes of such great absurdity I’ve never experience in my entire life. Trauma of “creative meetings” is haunting me even today where no one knows what is the discussion about, no one understands each other but it can last for hours and in the end there is no conclusion.

“Is it normal?” I’ve asked Dark D “Am I overreacting? Do I not see clearly?” I was trying to reason some of this and seek some advice from him as well as my friends and other colleagues. Dark D who is a technical genius himself had a sharper look from outside. He didn’t have any doubts. He thought it was totally dysfunctional situation and I have to run away from there asap to stay sane. He did not need to tell me twice!

To my even bigger dismay I’ve learn quickly that I’m sharing almost the same story with many other women. Great and amazing people who I’m seeing every day at school drop offs, completely fantastic at work before but suddenly not good enough when they’ve returned after having a baby. They’re quitting their jobs very often not because they can’t work it out the child care but because their feeling of dissatisfaction in their previous position or how they are being treated at their work places. That, I must say convinced me the most. It’s not worth it anyone precious time and energy to stay in a bad, toxic environment.

On top of it all I was clearly displaying signs of becoming complacent, I haven’t seen anything new I can learn from my work anymore and the only challenge I had in my job, that time, was to be on time in the office every morning.

Funny though It didn’t make me feel like I can’t do what I’m doing or make me feel bad. Quite opposite it only convinced me I really like to do what gives me more satisfaction, joy and change my word at least. I want to be my own boss, I thought, it’s definitely time to leave as life is too short to be in this toxic environment so I did I’ve left for the office of one where there is no transparent walls and no glass ceilings no grumpy Bosses and and the only person who completely believes at me is myself.

“I’ve just quit, you know.” “What?” Pi have nearly choked on his sausage with cream and butter. He’s just returned from his long holiday in India feeling relaxed and happy and practically missed all the recent project dramas. “Are you serious man?” “Yeah…, definitely serious man. I know it’s unexpected but it’s time to make some changes.”
“Fuck! Sabin!!”, “I know Pi”.

Bored, burnt out, discouraged. The time you had lost a joy and passion towards your work means is truly over, nothing can be fixed, time to move on and you know what, that is the best thing about it.