One evening when I was putting my son to bed I asked him “Sash shall I open the window to give you some fresh air?” Deep down I was hoping I can freeze him a bit so he could finally stop jumping and wriggling his body. As a matter of fact it was after a couple of hours of reading his books, watching his favourite dinosaurs’ cartoons and dealing with various night time routine tasks and discussions about very philosophical and not so much subjects. I could feel my eyes were just about to close sooner than his.

“No”, he decided, “no, because I will be horribly freezing and the wind is going through my atoms and small particles.” he added.
“Ohh… what? Where the wind is going through?” I asked, curiously.
“Atoms… it’s a tiny, tiny, really tiny, teeny material you know.”
“Is it?” I said. “I didn’t know, you know about atoms.” He was only 4.
“Everything is build with atoms, we have atoms too” he added with his very composed, mysterious voice.
“Of course atoms!” To my dismay I literally forgot that atoms exist.

In fact I’ve realised I haven’t thought about anything else but a hard reality, down to earth problems for a really long time. I’ve literally forgot that anything what it’s not my problem exists. Suddenly I’ve started to be so jealous about all the interesting staff I’m missing from my life.

I was always under the impression I did everything right as I should, always working hard, finish uni, find a job, have a family but in the end I was feeling burnt out. Why is that I was wondering. I did put a lot of effort to actually be where I was and my past wasn’t easy really but I end up feeling a bit surrendered.

I always wonder how much choice do we really get if it comes to make a decision about our future. Busy, running all the time, doing what we told or think is right is hardly impossible to know what to do. By the time we can make our own decisions and see things from bigger perspective we are very often tight with our various responsibilities and duties.

I’ve been living with a weird feeling of not enjoying what I’m doing, for a long while. First I’ve tried to ignore it but it only got worse. Next I’ve develop a sudden need for knowing more what else is around. I’ve went through millions blogs, books, articles and tips from the wise people. My research for “sense and meaning” didn’t want to stop. Just to say I’ve never really been very spiritual, religious or even philosophical before. I would say I was quite an opposite.

“What’s the point of doing our everyday tasks when they repeat every day anyway?” I asked Dark D one evening. “Yeah…” he reply, “I guess we have to focus what’s matter to us and ignore what’s not that important.” Good point, I thought, but what when 90 per cent of your time is fill with something you think is not important. That’s pretty much how I thought about my life that time. Slowly I become even more unhappy and the same repeatable routines every day were killing me. On the surface everything was right and my family was the lucky one. My husband having a relatively good job and me working in the television, combine together, we could afford a reasonably good, cosy live. Two beautiful children, nanny, house, in brief live a lot of people would be happy to have.

The only problem was, we were falling apart. Constantly tried, we practically ended up only working and nothing else. No hobbies, no going out, almost not spending time with friends, no discussion not even an evenings together as I was mostly falling asleep as soon as my bottom touched the sofa. It was either work, chores or looking after our adorable children. We barely had time to speak to each other, unless it regarded kids, work or house.

My job became so uninteresting and very often I started to think it truly sucked but yet I didn’t want to admit it to anyone purely because I was a very good job so I was scared to even say it aloud. The thought however didn’t want leave me in peace. After some time it dominated my brain daily and finally it was my first thought in the morning and last before collapsing to sleep. Where did I get so wrong with my life I was torturing myself with obsession worthy of a real sociopath.

“Mum the genetic evidence shows that the human who enter North America were the the same human which were found in the very south of South America”, I’ve heard from the next door room, from my little genius daughter who’ve been lately a huge fun of Dr Alice Roberts and her program The Incredible Human Journey.

“Sash you need to sleep now my love”, I said strongly “ give me a big kiss and have a colourful dreams”.
“Mom you’re my bestie and I love you”.
“I love you too my lovely but it’s still time to sleep now”
“Mum?” he didn’t give up easily.
“Sash it’s time to sleep now, please start to falling asleep!”

From the room next door came Sofie’s voice.
“Mummm! Can I have a mummy hug before I go to bed too?’
Sash shouted back before I manage to answer:
“Sooofffie! She’s feeling a little bit strict tonight!!”

Later that night Dark D find me downstairs, sitting on the sofa, looking very angry, which was quite normal view that time.
“What’s up?”
“Nothing” I said not too politely.
“Tell me?”
“I just so fucking hate my job”